Simple - {Soft & Squidgy Peanut Butter Cookies}

The sidewalk ahead of me is more than familiar. Alive with visions of memories, I feel like I can literally see myself and my friends - plus and all the shenanigans that have occurred by way of this road over the past four years - right in front of me.


I wouldn't call my steps labored, exactly, but there's a distinctiveness in my gait that indicates a certain degree of intoxication. Which is all well and good, you know, considering that it's the final day of my final finals week. I'm happy to admit that the week(+?)-long celebrations included wine, beer, lots of food, more wine, some studying, and a respectable amount of gin to balance it all out.

But, despite that, I'm not really drunk.

From alcohol, anyway.

There's been so much on my mind over the past week. Each of my years here at MSU has felt like a different lifetime, and I've learned so much from each of them. All within a two mile radius of the Student Union, I've had the happiest, saddest, most confusing, most enlightening, and richest moments of my life - and it's all come tumbling down upon me like a pile of newly dried blankets.

The state of drunkenness I've been living in stems [almost] solely from excitements and terrors once lost like the mysterious half emptied bottle of water (vodka?) in the back corner of my fridge.


And I've been sipping so heavily on this cloying cocktail of nostalgic warm fuzzies over the past week, that when people ask if I'm sad that college is over, I can't even function well enough to throw together a decent response.

Truth is, I'm not sad.

Not at all.

I'm sitting here on my garbage picked armchair, typing away on my 5-year-old laptop, noshing on a plate of brussel sprouts, drinking tap water, and daydreaming about the opportunities that I've already had - plus the ones that are yet to come.

Sitting here and realizing - finally - that I've never been happier with life than I am now.

I feel free. And I feel prepared.


Maybe I'm a little too buzzed to drive, but I'm ready to go.

Soft and Squidgy Peanut Butter Cookies

Go ahead. Balk at that shortening. I know you want to. But hear me out, ok? I'll be the first to say that butter tastes AWESOME, but you have to admit that it kinda makes cookies spread and go all thin, yeah? I didn't want that with these cookies, and I also didn't want the only fat to come from the peanut butter and the egg yolks, because those kind of peanut butter cookies... They just don't do it for me. They're dry and too crunchy. Blech.

So here's my improvement. MY ideal peanut butter cookie - and a number of my friends, too. Maybe it's not YOUR favorite, but that's ok. Variety is the spice of life, eh? For those yet to disown me after my extensive hiatus let alone my gall to come back atcha with hydrogenated vegetable oil of all things, give this recipe a go and you will be rewarded with soft and fantabulous peanut butter cookies - the likes of which you have never known. I think. Maybe that's a bit too grand. Regardless, you'll be happy with 'em.

Makes like... a dozen big cookies.

1 1/4 c whole wheat flour
3/8 c roasted peanuts (I've used salted and unsalted - no pref here)
3/8 tsp salt
3/4 tsp baking soda
3/4 c peanut butter (I prefer smooth and never use natural peanut butter for baking)
1/2 c shortening
1/2 c brown sugar
1/4 c white sugar
1 egg
2 Tbsp corn syrup
1/2 tsp vanilla
Sea salt, optional

Preheat oven to 350°F. Line two cookie sheets.

Grind the flour and the peanuts into a fine powder with your food processor. Add in the salt and baking soda, then pulse to combine.

In a large mixing bowl, cream together the peanut butter and the shortening. Add in the sugars and beat to combine, scraping the sides of the bowls when necessary. Beat in the egg, scrape the sides of the bowl, then add the corn syrup and vanilla. Mix to combine and scrape down the sides of the bowl. Add the dry ingredients in two parts, mixing just to combine.

Portion the cookies using a 1/4 cup measuring cup. Flatten with the bottom of a cup and use a fork to crosshatch. Or not. Whatever. Sprinkle with sea salt if it floats your boat. Arrange on a baking sheet with plenty of room between - I like to put 8 on one sheet, generally (two rows of 3 surrounding a row of 2).

Bake in preheated oven for 17ish minutes. I take them out when I can lift the side of one just a bit with my finger without it crumbling. Set sheet on cooling rack and allow to cool completely before serving.

Goodbyes - {Mocha Crumble Pound Cake}

I stared into the mirror, unable to look away from my bloodshot eyes. The shower hadn't woken me up, and it seemed, at this point, that nothing would.

It was early Monday. Barely Monday, honestly. I'd not slept more than 4 hours total in the past two nights, and this one had proved no different than the last. I'd slipped into boredom and annoyance waiting for my alarm to ring, and punished it by getting up without its approval - three hours early.


I'd become desperate for so many things in those dark hours. Sleep was important, but it was the least of my wants, preceded mainly by answers, solutions and functional time. The ability to shut off my brain for a minute or two. Advice.

I had received big news late Friday afternoon and it hadn't left my mind since. The emotional turmoil of the week before had left me reeling and physically ill, so the news - though wonderful - had added a lot of pressure.

Everything seemed too real all of a sudden. Too serious.

I've been working at my current job for over a year. I surpassed internship status a few months back and moved into the land of part-time, which was big for me. It seemed like something that was just too good to happen, you know? I've been lucky to work on a team of such talented and giving people, and have learned more about the professional world and myself than I could have ever expected. Being accepted by them, maintaining responsibilities and contributing to the "big picture" gave me a much-needed boost of confidence - and seemed proof that things do really have a way of working themselves out.

There have been many baked goods. Bottles of wine. Extended lunches out by the river. Hot dogs grilled on the patio. Trips across the state. And some work, too.

My coworkers and I became friends.


Which was why this was so rough.

It took me longer than normal to do my hair. I couldn't focus. I was exhausted and confused; eyes blank in their deep dark-rimmed sockets, arms heavy over my head, and the buzz of the blow dryer sickening in such a small, heated room. After hours and hours, it was time to make the trip, so I dusted off my car and called the office, needing to know that the person I wanted - no, had - to talk to would be there.

Noting his schedule and my state of health, he was cheerful on the phone, and asked me if we could just have our conversation then. If it would be quick. If that was ok with me. He was kind and in a good mood.

Crap.

I was sitting in my stilled car, panicking in the deathlike quiet of the snowy morning. I'd rehearsed only one line of the conversation to come, but it escaped me; caught up in the snowflakes and weighed heavy to the ground. I knew what to say, but didn't know how to do it without sounding blunt and uncaring. But I did my best.

Eventually I got out the facts: I'd been offered another internship. I was putting in my two weeks. And it all felt like a horrible, awful, terrible breakup.

Saddened silence lay heavy on the other end of the line. I felt like the biggest asshole on the planet, and the tears I tried to hold back burst through. It hurt. I was choosing to leave a lot behind and I knew it, but I honestly feel that it's time for me to move on, despite the friendships I've made and the things I have learned. I've only so long before I graduate, and I want to expand my skill set to include as many different things as I can manage. It wasn't personal, I begged into the phone. Not at all.

Fortunately for me, he - and the rest of the company - understood. After the initial surprise, they were collectively supportive and congratulatory, which was a complete relief. I'm excited and optimistic to start my new job in a week, and they're happy for me.

But it was hard to grasp at that moment.

And for many afterward.

Winter's cold tears slowly reburied my car that too early Monday; and I curled up on the front seat, exhausted and unbuckled, to cry into the tails of my scarf.


Mocha Crumble Pound Cake

Printable Recipe

Crumb Topping adapted from Baked Explorations: Classic American Desserts Reinvented

I love this crumb topping (and variants) so much that I keep a big bag of it in my freezer for fast desserts. It's great with cinnamon and nutmeg with no espresso powder, too!

1/4 c butter
1/4 c brown sugar
1/8 c granulated sugar
1/4 tsp vanilla
1/8 tsp instant espresso powder
1/8 tsp salt
5/8 c flour

Place the butter in a small bowl and melt using the microwave. Stir in the sugar, granulated sugar, vanilla, instant espresso powder, and salt. Add the flour and stir just until combined. Set aside while you prepare the cake.

If preparing to freeze for future usage, use hands to break into small bits onto a lined baking sheet. Freeze until solid, then bag.

Mocha Pound Cake adapted from Epicurious

1 c (130 g) flour
3/8 c (30 g) cocoa
2 tsp instant espresso powder
1/4 tsp salt
1/8 tsp soda
1/2 c butter, room temp
2 Tbsp canola oil
1/2 c granulated sugar
3/4 c (150 g) lightly packed brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp chocolate liquer (optional)
3 eggs
1/2 c Greek yogurt

DO NOT pre heat your oven. Oil and line a 9" x 5" x 3" loaf pan. Set aside

Sift together the flour, cocoa, instant espresso powder, salt and baking soda. Set aside.

In a large mixing bowl, cream the butter, oil and sugars until very light and fluffy. This will take about ten minutes, and you must be sure to scrape down the sides and bottom of the bowl from time to time. Briefly beat in the vanilla and chocolate liquer, if using. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and add the eggs one at a time, scraping before and after each addition and mixing just until fully incorporated. Add half of the dry ingredients and fold gently until almost fully combined. Add the Greek yogurt and fold again until just a few white streaks remain. Add the last half of the dry ingredients and fold until the batter is smooth and homogenous.

Pour half of the batter into your prepared pan and top with 1/3 of the prepared crumble, using your hands to break it into smaller pieces. Pour in the remaining half of the batter and top generously with remaining crumble. Place in oven and set to 350F, baking until a toothpick comes out nearly clean when inserted in the center of the loaf, about an hour and ten minutes.

Cool for ten minutes in the pan, then invert and cool completely on a rack before serving.

Self - {Gingerbread Monkey Bread with Creamy Whiskey Maple Glaze}

I hate being told to relax.

Winter break is over now, and as I look back at how I spent it, I'm in a funk. I want to be more laid back and take more time to just... I don't know...  Do absolutely nothing before I graduate, but I can't even stand the thought of just... Not doing something.

I haven't been blogging as much lately as I used to, but it's because I've got other hobbies, projects, and personal things taking to forefront as I transition from school into reality.

Also, I've got a bad case of writer's block in terms of personal things, and I can't really figure out what to do about it.


Regardless, I've been keeping occupied, and I like it. I don't mind being busy, because it means I'm accomplishing - or working at it at the very least - something. I'm driven by successes and the process of achieving it, so I feel like I'm wasting time if I'm not working on something. Which is why I'm not big on watching movies and television; if I'm going to be idle for any amount of time, I like to be doing something sort of productive, too. Cooking. Baking. Knitting. Drawing. I don't want to just sit and consume. I want - no, need - to produce.

I had friends visiting a few weekends ago, and I while enjoyed their company immensely, I have never been more aware of how high-strung all of this can appear until they arrived.

It felt like I wasn't doing enough the whole time because I was uncomfortable just sitting around. It wasn't relaxing for me to not be active and helpful. And they, in turn, the masters of "chill," were uncomfortable with my incessant needs to clean, organize, serve, and monitor.

Constantly.

So they told me to relax.

Constantly.

Eventually, I began to wonder what was wrong with me.

Maybe I'm being hyper-sensitive? Overly-concerned? Do I have anxiety? Am I depressed? Do I have OCD? Am I really that insecure?

They, of course, offered their own suggestions, and, not surprisingly, they didn't help. The result of all of this was a somewhat caffeine-induced panic attack, complete with troubled breathing, a racing heart, and the need to just... You know... Sit down and relax for a second. Ironically.

And while I sat there, on the cold heartless cement outside of the new art museum, doing absolutely nothing, I had an epiphany.

I had been comparing myself to a pair of 26-year-old, single, happy-go-lucky, beer/wine loving dudes for THREE DAYS. No matter how close I was to either of them, there was no way in hell that they were ever going to understand me and my quirks because I'm a friggin' girl, and... Well, folks. This is just life. No one can ever put themselves completely in someone elses' shoes, huh?

I don't care if I'm sensitive to stuff. Or if I'm constantly worried about how others are feeling or if they need more spaghetti or another glass of wine. Who gives a crap if having house guests - or anything else - makes me anxious? What's the trouble with being a little insecure and liking everything to be orderly? I don't care who it is, if someone is visiting me, I'm going to be all of these things because I want to do my best to please everyone. Because that's what I like to do. 

As the chill from the ground set in my bones, I myself began to chill.

Finally.


I love the guys for their laid-back approach to everything in life. Seriously. They're successful and cool and fun and neat and all sorts of other adjectives. But they're not me. And it's great.

Maybe my relaxation isn't as relaxed and obvious as some, but it works for me.

I operate on my own frequency, at my own pace, with my own motivations, and toward my own goals.

Maybe they think I'm a little high-strung, but so what? I'm gonna continue to fill plates, glasses and tummies - and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.

And don't tell me to relax, either.

Gingerbread Monkey Bread with Creamy Whiskey Maple Glaze

I wouldn't suggest putting this dough in the refrigerator, as it didn't rise well for me after I pulled mine out in the morning (resulting in a somewhat dense, but still delicious, bread). Otherwise, I hope you'll enjoy this recipe as much as I did. The additional spices and molasses work very well in this form. Don't forget to load up on the glaze!

Printable Recipe

Gingerbread Monkey Bread adapted from Food52

1 pkg (2 1/2 tsp) active dry yeast
1 Tbsp granulated sugar
1/3 c warm water (110 degrees)
10 Tbsp butter, divided
1 c whole milk
1/4 c molasses
3 1/4 c flour
2 tsp salt
2 tsp ground ginger
2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground cloves
1/4 tsp freshly grated nutmeg
2 Tbsp butter, room temp
1 c packed dark brown sugar

In a small bowl, combine the yeast, granulated sugar and warm water. Set aside for about 10 minutes, until the yeast activates and the mixture becomes foamy.

In a small saucepan, combine the

In a small saucepan, combine 2 tablespoons of the butter butter, the milk, and the molasses. Heat until the butter melts, stirring occasionally, and set aside to cool to room temp.

In the bowl of a stand mixer, combine flour, salt, ginger, cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg with the paddle attachment. Attach the dough hook and turn the mixer to low speed. While the mixer is running, slowly add the room temperature (or slightly warmer - you just have to be careful not to kill the yeast) molasses mixture, then the yeast mixture. When the dough comes together, mix for 7 minutes on medium-low, or until smooth. The dough will be sticky (sticking to the bottom of the bowl is fine), but if it seems too wet add up to 1/4 cup additional flour, one tablespoon at a time.

While the dough kneads, lightly oil a large bowl. Set aside.

After the dough is smooth, turn it onto lightly floured surface and knead for an additional minute by hand to form a smooth ball. Place the dough in the oiled bowl and roll to coat in oil. Cover with plastic wrap, pressing it to the surface of the dough, and allow to rise until doubled in size, about 1 to 1.5 hours.

Generously oil or butter the loaf pan. Put the remaining 8 tablespoons of butter in a small bowl and melt in the microwave. Place the brown sugar in another small bowl.

Once the dough has risen, transfer it to a lightly floured surface and gently pat into an 8-inch square. Cut dough into 64 pieces (8 rows by 8 columns), then roll the pieces into balls. One at a time, dip the balls in butter, then roll in brown sugar and place in the bundt pan, distributing as evenly as you're able.

Cover the filled bundt pan with plastic wrap, place in a warm spot, and allow to rise for 1 more hour. The balls should be puffy and about an inch below the top of the pan.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Bake the monkey bread for 30-35 minutes, until the top is golden brown. Remove from the oven and cool in pan for 5 minutes, but no longer or you risk sticking. Invert onto a cake stand and cool for another 5-10 minutes. Drizzle with Creamy Whiskey Maple Glaze (below) and reserve the rest for dipping.

Creamy Whiskey Maple Glaze

4 Tbsp butter, melted
4 Tbsp cream cheese, melted
3/8 c powdered sugar
1 Tbsp whiskey
1 tsp maple syrup

In a small bowl, combine all ingredients until smooth.