Thursday, July 1

Fuel - {Ciabatta}

Hey! I want to preface this entry by saying that it's a little... Depressing. I don't know that anyone would be super concerned or anything, but I am doing just fine. I consider myself lucky to have as many amazing people in my life as I do.

This post is just something that I think about, from time to time, you know? Maybe it's just my age, but relationships and human nature fascinate me. No matter what you believe, based on where we began, where our race originated - be it primates or the hands of a higher being - it's truly amazing the way that we've come to interact with one another. Our truths, our lies and our secrets.

To me, anyway.

So please don't leave this page feeling down or pessimistic. It's not my intention. I'm not trying to change the world; I'm just observing it.

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It's beautiful to watch, really.

To watch it all fall.

Everything, I mean.

I feel small here, in front of the flames. I don't understand the way they burn and flicker. The way they slowly devour the world around them. Their beautiful and effortless dance as they grow in size.

The visible heat.

Here one second and gone the next in an amazing and wondrous fusion of highly advanced physics and simple nature.

Gorgeous.


I used to think I was a very trusting person, but I've come to realize that I'm not. Is that selfish? I really can't remember when it started or when I changed.

I find myself involved in so many distasteful conversations lately. Casual conversations in which the words that fall from wagging tongues - including my own - disgust me. I blame myself for this, of course, for I am responsible for determining who becomes a part of my life. I consider myself fortunate to have the ability to select the people that I keep in my life.

But now I find that I question some of those decisions.

The fire grows; engulfing twigs and branches as it reaches higher for the sky. It's greedy and without purpose, erasing and belittling the years invested in the lives of the downed trees. Trunks of solidified energy, now nothing but fuel for an unnecessary flame under the hot, falling summer sun.

I find that, in general, people are fickle, erratic and frightened. Myself included, of course. We all want to be liked, but on so many occasions we're too afraid of appearing inadequate in comparison to others that we become subconsciously unpleasant to speak with. I want to have friends and I want others to enjoy my company, but I don't want to feel required to resort to trash-talking or bragging as a means to maintain interest. Why is it that we feel so compelled to put down others? Nice people, I mean. Good people. Are we wired this way? Is it in our nature? Or are we raised into insecurity and fear - instability and self-born inadequacy - that prevents us from being true to ourselves in the presence of others? Do you understand what I mean?

I hear the voices around me, agitated through the flames and distorted by the heat. Fed into the fire and regurgitated as ashes. Released into the air to be shared with everyone.

So I listen. I lay quietly, legs crossed and arms behind my head.

And then the ashes fall.

And it all comes down.

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I used this recipe for the ciabatta, and, quite frankly, it's amazing. I am, however, hesitant to re-post it here because the directions (and videos!) on Susan's blog, Wild Yeast, are so perfectly detailed that it wouldn't be fair to her or you for me to truncate them as I often do. So please, head on over and make yourself some ciabatta. Your friends will surely appreciate the generous yield of this recipe!

I toasted mine then slathered it with homemade peanut butter and topped it sliced bananas. This is one of my favorite foods!

14 comments:

  1. This may sound weird, but I am proud of you for admitting this. You seem wise beyond your years, but I feel like I say that everytime I am hear.

    Its hard to love people and love the good things about them, and then to get frustrated and disheartened by the difficult and gissipy conversations... Its hard to look at someone you love and realize that you just dont like them when they do that...

    (I may have interpretted your post all wrong, viewed it with my oen hazey shades of winter, and if so I apologize)

    I just want you to know that there *are* relationships out there where you donthave to gossip and demean and say hurtful things... you can have those relationships. You just have to seek them.

    Be blessed sweet girl. I just love where your heart is taking you.

    Amanda

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  2. P.S. Sorry for all the typos... I failed to proofread before I hit publish... sorry!!

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  3. Time to surround yourself with a more gracious crowd - say get heavily involved in a decent church, perhaps. It's amazing how a truly loving and kind, mature group of like-minded people can improve your outlook.

    Blessing to you!
    :)
    ButterYum

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  4. PS
    In reference to those who are not "like-minded" - over time I've chosen to not participate in this kind of talk amongst family and friends. Even without actually mentioning this to them, they've picked up on this and follow my example when they are around me.

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  5. You really are the company you keep, and I've learned that painfully over the years. You can't always completely push people out of your life, but you can choose how to react to them and, most importantly, use their shortfalls to better yourself.

    Just recognizing these things are a huge step in self-development.

    I reached a stage in my life a few years ago (and have had a lot of mini-versions of these moments since) where I just thought to myself, "I do not like what I am. I need to change." Oddly enough, I DID. I found the strength to let go of so many negative things in my life and I truely feel that my natural personality is shining through more than ever.

    Try reading up on some Buddhist teachings. Many follow it as a philosophy, if not a religion. It helped me begin my own journey. Good luck!

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  6. oh my god YUM first off :) Also you're very brave being able to admit this, so so true.

    http://notsocountry.blogspot.com/

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  7. I think about this a lot too. I am a bit of an introvert and complaining is a very speedy, efficient and focus changing way to put myself "out there". But it's not who I am. I love things. I love them! Perhaps it's braver to choose the generous way out.

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  8. I hear ya! Really I do... and am sad to admit that I fall on both sides - I think I would like to blame society but am really old enough that I know I should blame myself... sad huh? There's no way I could make that ciabatta for breakfast tomorrow, so I'll just have to do with the turkish bread I have in the fridge with some peanut butter I have left over and banana... delicious!

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  9. K,
    we all find ourselves saying things that don't sound right coming out of our mouth. Don't beat yourself up over this. alot of the time I treat others as i treat myelf, so if i judge myself I'm more likely to judge others! if you're going to do so, think of the joy your rainbow cake brought to my best friend when i made it for him in april. Bake more, think less i say

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  10. You have a beautiful blog. I'm also a baker and excited to try out some of your recipes, with full credit of course.

    I also think you are an amazing photographer. Thanks, I really enjoy your blog.

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  11. I'm so sorry you are feeling down. People do tend to suck. I've gone through a lot of hard times with people. It is always a challenge, but it is something we learn from. It takes a lot to admit your own mistakes and you should be proud that you did that. Cheer up! Things will be better.

    And the peanut butter banana sandwich looks like my lunch !

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  12. I think it's part human nature - we want to feel included, and somehow it's easier to feel part of a group when you focus on the ones that are not included. Pulling others down is an easy way to do this, and somehow it's the differences we focus on, even though there are far more similarities between people, and it is the differences that make life interesting.

    Knowing you have the power to choose the people in your life is so incredibly valuable - if you actively use it, it can make a huge difference. And in that respect, you're way ahead of most people.

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  13. Wow, first off, I just found your blog after searching for white chocolate buttercream. What a beautiful blog! Then I started reading your recent posts and this couldn't have been better timing.
    My DH and I just got in a heated discussion on why I'm not good with friends because I can't let anyone inside of of bubble. I'm a home body and just realized I'm a closet control freak. I, too, am not proud of some of the things I've said and the conversations I've had. It seems like we forget how to think and just join the crowd and don't realize not joining in isn't going to really hurt us.
    I have realized that even if I have fewer friends, at least these are people I truly care about and I don't have to deal with the mental mess of worry about what others think. It's hard to remember sometimes but God is always looking out for us and he has better control of our lives than we can ever imagine! God bless friend!

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  14. I can relate to your post with relish and i hate myself sometimes for doing it. I think it is human nature to beat ourselves up about stuff and sometimes it only needs to be something small,,,,,and small is all it takes sometimes to make us realise what we do have and can turn our thinking around to positive. I have come to a stage in my life now at 42 that i am more forgiving of myself and i try to use positve thoughts everywhere....it really helps me to do that...so think positive and be happy! We all deserve it you know.
    But i also relate to Linds in that i dont let people in either,,,,i keep myself to myself. I know having fewer friends makes me feel sad sometimes and funnily enough most of my true friends i do have, live along way away.....long distance friendships keep me safe....even though i dont mix with many people at all on a physical level i do miss the physical contact as it were and i blame myself as being *too busy* to let new people in my life......i thought it was just mexx
    Keep up the good work you do do...i have only recently found your blog via the rainbow cake which i thought was absolutley brilliant by the way, i loved it and although would never attempt it myself i loved seeing it:)

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Thanks so much for reading! I would love to hear your thoughts!

If you have any questions, please feel free to email them to me at kaitlin@whisk-kid.com.

Have a great day!